Freedom Within The Form

Ye Olde Utterance

2008-10-02T13:46:00.003+13:00

What extraordinary privilege it is, that one should glean utterances ancient from pages new! Yet from pages Yours I retreat – recognizing privilege yet possessing it not, even authority recognized yet fearing greater my own, whilst from pages my own I glean no reason nor rhyme, nor counsel nor comfort. And whilst remedy such deficit with mine quill I seek no longer, I undertake still such forgeries, to find only a remedy of whose depth is of paper itself.

To mine eyes may my fingers delegate their energies, and to mine knees their task, for mine quill is as dry as its parchment. To ancient grace Yours I entreat – add to recognition possession, and bring forth such fear of You that of all else I would have as naught. With Your ink fill me, so that Your blood may wash all the more through my veins; my heart be all the more cleansed; and my mind all the more unclouded.

The Obituarist

2008-06-12T22:45:00.009+12:00

Ironic impasse
ended by inference
Impelling ink
expels indifference

Dirge draws up
to dustbowl parchment
Deadbeat driver
ushers disembarkment

Faltering feet
and graven earth meet
Furrow-faced field
increasingly bleak

Gritted gravity
sheds tearing ballast
Ground-bound griever
lamenting at last

[Description »]

Winter Festival Kicks Off

2008-06-09T11:53:00.004+12:00

"Alas, poor Yorick!
...A fellow of icicled juice, of most excellent frost...
...Where be your gelids now?"

Winter was ushered in yesterday at The Backyard Outdoor Events Centre by a promising performance of Hamlet by The Royal Society Of Life-Size Theatrical Snowmen.

Chaos ensued, however, when the performance was interrupted by a Cats musical performed by The Disproportionately Large Feline Actors Guild, due to a timetabling error.

The resulting bloodbath ended what was a fragile truce between the two sworn enemies, who have been embroiled in a bitter feud for generations. It comes as a disappointing setback for the international peace process, which has been trying hard to foster a sense of goodwill between them both.

Organisers admit that it has put a dampener on the planned festivities, but hope that the collaborative winter fun-run between Worsley's Home For Troubled Weiner Dogs and The National Postman's Collective will help bring the festival back on track.

Keeping the Faith

2008-06-06T23:25:00.019+12:00

Tonight at my church (Hornby Presbyterian) we had our "Friday Forum", something which we hold every month or so, usually involving a guest speaker and/or discussion on a particular topic.

Tonight's topic was "How to get a degree without losing your faith", in which we had several questions regarding the topic, each one to be briefly addressed by selected graduates from the church, followed by a brief general discussion per question. (It went particularly well by the way, with a good turnout and engaging dialogue - thanks particularly to Ross McKerras for organising it).

I was tasked with addressing the question, "Have you encountered ideas that made you realise that you genuinely did need to modify your faith? / Are there legitimate ways that you have modified your faith?", and below is the response I gave.

I thought it would be fair to post it here, seeing as it involves some of you who may read my blog, and would perhaps give an opportunity for response and discussion on how fair my observations are. At the very least it may help to give an indication on where I stand.

[View response (& notes) »]

Regarding “challenges to the faith”, I think it is perhaps helpful to first distinguish between two types of challenge.

The first is the type of challenge that one might bring before oneself – one’s own questions regarding their faith, a personal critique of what they hold to. Of this type I have had many, but by-and-large they are of no great urgency and form no serious objection to my faith.¹

The second type of challenge, which is perhaps more relevant to this discussion, is the external one – the type that another person or group may pose, be it directly or indirectly; explicitly or implicitly; personally or impersonally. Of this type I have only experienced a few, and they are usually more immediate, more demanding of a response, and more testing.

One which I’ll briefly touch on is the challenge of evolution. Having done a major in Biology it has been quite a relevant topic, it is a foundational principle and was unanimously accepted as true for all of my biology papers. Its also a difficult one to navigate, it is a contentious issue, with arguments ranging from sound and reasonable to abysmally wishful posited by both sides, and no shortage of dogmatism either.

Yet for all its controversies, I found that it wasn’t the sort of thing that presented any great challenge to my faith, and is really quite a peripheral issue in the context of Christianity’s core themes of sin and salvation. I think my main reason for grappling with it was more for the sake of being able to address those to whom it presented a stumbling block to coming to the Christian faith. Yet even then, because it is a peripheral issue, it may be better to direct such a person to the truly contentious issues of Christianity’s core, rather than over-investing in trying to bring them over this particular one.

Having said that, it is an important issue, and one worth investigating. As a result of my grappling with it and a few other issues, I have gained an appreciation for a number of things: for the finiteness of my own mind and my own tendency to be easily persuaded one way or the other; for the importance of good reasoning, sound foundations, and both internal and external consistency; for recognizing and questioning motives behind arguments; for careful and honest openness in searching for truth; and for the importance of trusting amidst uncertainty.

It was these sorts of lessons which held me in good stead for the big challenge which my faith faced during my university and post-university years – a challenge which came not from outside Christianity, but from within it.

During this time, a couple of my Christian friends began to subscribe to some very different ideas concerning the core doctrines of Christianity. They were very concerned with finding a true and genuine Christianity, and even went so far as learning ancient Greek and studying early church writings to try to ascertain an unbiased understanding of what the early church believed. As a result of their inquiries, they came to completely reject the Reformation doctrines which all protestant churches base their theology upon, instead promoting Jesus as a moral teacher and example for moral transformation, to the end of achieving a positive final judgment, based upon works rather than faith.

What this did was thrust many of my personal (yet non-urgent) questions regarding God, his plan, and who Jesus was and what he achieved into the immediacy of requiring an adequate response to this particular challenge. Not only to address my two friends, but the wider group of Christian friends who were also being exposed to these new ideas. To be honest, I have yet to provide an adequate response to these particular questions, if not to any other, then to myself at least. Yet as time has passed on this issue, I have gained a much better sense of perspective over it, as well as over the faith which I held, and it is this perspective which has (to my finite standards) satisfactorily vindicated the faith to which I still hold.

The process has been a gradual and uncertain one. From the start I approached it with caution, and was apprehensive of what I perceived as a “reaction-ism” against imperfections in the church, as well as of the seeming audacity to brush aside centuries of critiqued and established doctrine for these foreign ideas. Although I have not been able to fully allay these suspicions, I have come to appreciate a reasonableness and genuineness within their inquiries.

However, I came to seriously question the inquiry when I came to consider the foundations upon which they based their reasoning and motivation. It was through my own personal struggles with searching for certainty and a final basis for knowledge, and the conclusions I reached with this, that I came to identify the same pride and folly operating underneath their inquiry as I had operated with for a time myself (and am still prone to do). Theirs was an essentially Humanistic endeavor, and in seeking to correct inconsistencies, they had only introduced far deeper ones. It is perhaps not surprising then, that their conclusions appeal finally to human endeavor to achieve salvation.²

Of additional note, it is worth pointing out not only the internal inconsistency, but an external one also – in increasing measure there has been a quickness to mock and dismiss, a tendency for sexual lewdness in humor, a contempt and distrust of authority, and a lack of the abounding love one might hope would characterize a group of Christians – they are still good people and remain my friends, but those things I find difficult to reconcile.³

From this reasoning which found objections with these new ideas (or more specifically, their basis) and which led me to reject them, also came support for the Reformation understanding and way of Christianity, and has led me to solidify my faith in it.

However, it would be premature to end on that note, for there is one final distinction which I wish to make. That is, of distinguishing between “being convinced of”, and “being convicted of”. Though I greatly value the role of the mind, of having a satisfactory understanding, of “being convinced” – it is ultimately not enough to satisfy a desire for truth, because the degree by which we can be convinced will only ever be a finite one – ultimately, we will always need to trust upon something.

Of far greater value is “being convicted of” – a deep and irrefutable sense of what is true, something which we do not hold for ourselves, but is somehow held for us – it is not something which we can acquire, but something which must be given us. And it brings satisfaction in what we finally trust upon in a way in which “being convinced of” cannot. So it is ultimately conviction upon which we may apply our reasoning and build our knowledge, not the other way around.

Above all else, it is conviction which God in his grace has given me that has kept my faith – God’s faithfulness to me above my faithfulness to God.

Notes:

¹ I might add, just to clarify, that although I spoke of my own personal questions as posing no great urgency or obstacle to my faith, I have indeed had personal questions which have posed great urgency and been quite serious, but these have been of my mind, my perception of reality, and of my awareness of existence, rather than directly of my faith. Having said that, it was the conviction of my faith which helped me through those times, and by grace I even arrived at an understanding concerning those issues, which in turn came to vindicate and convince me of the validity of my faith.

² I might also point out that although I spoke of internal inconsistencies, I did not expound on that charge. Aside from having a limited time which I was already pushing the leniency of, I did not think it pertinent to take too much of a tangent here. It is something which deserves further explanation though.

³ [Added 9/Jun/08] I have re-written this paragraph in the comments section (comment#4), specifically to address my friends to whom it refers, seeing as it, in its briefness and bluntness, fails to adequately describe my observations and intentions, nor portray the esteem I have for them.

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Wretched Reflection

2008-05-23T01:11:00.025+12:00

  Clumsy thumbs
   are clasping pencil,

  Slurring ink
   on scrappy paper,

  Paltry letters
   form puerile palaver…

  Wretched reflection;
   Pierces Soul Cleanly!

[Description »]

The Station

2008-04-11T01:23:00.003+12:00

Running on empty
Through this dry backwater
And the station I’m at
Is fresh out of fuel

I can’t say I mind
It’s refreshingly honest
I’m one with the land
I’m fittingly small

Yet mindful of distance
Of home on horizon
Now am I approaching
Or going away?

In need of repairs
From grinding my gears
And this station I’m at
Is one of decay

Encouragement for Enquiry

2007-06-06T16:40:00.000+12:00

“The Incredulity of St. Thomas” by Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio, 1602

Caravaggio was a 16th/17th century Italian early Baroque painter. (You may have seen a documentary on TV a couple of nights ago about him.)

The above painting of his depicts the doubting disciple Thomas, examining Christ’s crucifixion wound, during Christ’s second post-resurrection appearance (see John 20:24-29). It was a remarkable and shocking piece at the time, and remains so, for a number of reasons.

(There is an excellent article here concerning it.)

I find great appeal in it, in no small part due to where I am at the moment. It is a wonderful picture of God coming to meet the one struggling with doubt, satisfying them to the depth of their enquiry, and to the benefit of others also.

The feature which strikes me most, is that not only has Christ appeared here to appease Thomas’s doubts, but he is actively involved in revealing the truth of himself to Thomas. This is represented by the drawing back of his robe with one hand, whilst taking Thomas’s arm with the other and guiding the grubby finger into the wound.

I am in a somewhat bedraggled state myself, not only in having realised the futility of (what I have come to realise as) my autonomous search for truth, but more generally (in my desire to have integrity) realising that my whole being – my actions and desires as well as thoughts – requires a dependence on an external and ultimate reference point/ under an external and ultimate authority. I am further bedraggled in my struggle both for and against such a thing, therein accentuating the necessity.

In realising the impossibility of the contrary (that is, that I may autonomously reach truth, and more generally, a true/correct state of being), it may be that I have glimpsed something of true truth (as opposed to merely believing). And though it may further seem contrary to what I have found, I have since come to increase in appreciation for the significance and tremendous value that is placed in the individual’s ability to choose and work toward a goal.

I find that I am perhaps like Thomas here, having now perceived what appears to be Christ, I am not only to seek to examine further, but to also seek his strength and guidance in such a task, as well as his specific self-disclosure to meet the goal of the enquiry, such that I may truly come to realise “the way, the truth, and the life”, and may similarly exclaim, “My Lord and my God!”

An aptitude for folly

2007-05-27T23:18:00.000+12:00

Something which I've come to appreciate over time is that foolishness (with its antonym, wisdom), and stupidity (with its antonym, intelligence), are completely different traits. It is quite possible to have a genius who is fundamentally a fool, and a simple pleb who acts (relatively) wisely.

There is, I think, the following relationship between the two:

Intelligence/stupidity is something of an independent variable.
Wisdom/foolishness is the dependent variable, reflecting how the person applies their knowledge/understanding as well as their beliefs/principles in their life (in both thought and practice).

The one who thinks and lives in consistency and integrity with what they know/believe is wise, the one who doesn’t is a fool. The intelligent person obviously has a greater capacity for wisdom then, as they also do for foolishness. The simple person may be wise in the little they grasp (hence my use of the term ‘relatively’ above).

There are two broad categories in which wisdom/folly is demonstrated:

The first is in our point of view. Here, it is wise if our knowledge/beliefs are consistent, foolish otherwise (no pun intended).
The second category is in practice. An action is wise if it is consistent with our knowledge/beliefs, and foolish otherwise. This category may be further divided into whether we alter the internal (change our mind), or the external (actually do something).

There are obviously different areas and levels of wisdom/folly. For example, if I think that pressing my belly-button will activate a self-destruct sequence, I would be wise to avoid pressing my belly-button. Whether that particular belief is wise or not is another thing.

If a person generally demonstrates wisdom in each area of their knowledge/beliefs and actions, they may be considered to be wise. If they are deeply intelligent, and demonstrate wisdom down to the deepest levels of their understanding and acting, they may be considered to be deeply wise. But if they are inconsistent/lack integrity at their deepest level, (though even perhaps being wise until this stage), they may be considered to be deeply foolish.

There is an important relationship between what we practice and what we hold to/our point of view. This process centres upon that intellectual act, the decision. As we learn and increase in our understanding, we will find ourselves making either wise or foolish decisions as to how we will respond to such gains (here I am considering the internal response). We may act wisely by accepting or rejecting the particulars in accordance with what we already hold. And what we hold is in turn determined by what we have previously accepted.

It may be that we reach a certain state of understanding which seriously questions what we already hold to, and we may have to make a significantly (wise or foolish) decision as to how we will respond. A good example of this would be when someone changes (or vindicates) their worldview. A greater example would be when someone changes (or vindicates) the methodological paradigm by which they perceive existence. Whatever the case may be, a wise decision will be in accordance with what is held in the deeper levels of a person’s heart/mind, and at the expense of what is held at the shallower levels, where the inconsistencies were found.

Our upbringing will, to begin with, determine the majority of what we hold to, but at the deepest levels we all have self-awareness with a fundamental rationality inextricably associated with it. Fortunately then, we are not bound to any errors inherited into our point of view via our upbringing – if we endeavour to be wise it is possible that we will be able to arrive at truth.

***

Obviously this all depends on my particular definition of wisdom/foolishness. My main source of literature on this subject is the bible, and I think that the view which I’ve outlined above is consistent with the biblical view of it. At the very least, I think it is a useful concept (with its distinction from intelligence), and one which I will continue to employ.

Psalm 12 – An Alternative Version

2007-05-23T01:32:00.000+12:00

Help, LORD, for the godly are no more;
the faithful have vanished from among men.
Everyone fools himself;
their flattering minds think with deception.

May the LORD confound all flattering minds
and every boastful thought
that says, “We will triumph with our thoughts,
we own our minds – who is our master?”

“Because of the oppression of the gullible
and the groaning of the seekers of truth,
I will now arise,” says the LORD.
“I will protect them from those who malign them”
And the knowledge of the LORD is perfect,
like a united theory of systems,
governing all laws.

O LORD, you will keep us safe
and protect us from such foolishness forever,
While the proud freely strut about
when what is false is honoured among men.

When I read the actual psalm, which was about the deceptive lips and false words of men, I found myself empathising with it, though from a slightly different (but I think equally compatible) perspective, that is, in relation to the narrow and self-justifying thoughts, and proud Rationalistic minds of people these days.

I have followed the original, almost sentence for sentence, with a several slight alterations to suit my emphasis. The overall structure still remains, ie: Divided into four couplets: (1) Initial appeal, with cause of distress; (2) The prayer; (3) The reassurance of the Lord; (4) Concluding confidence.

The concern I’ve illustrated is not just about the foolishness/pride in others, but in myself also. I’ve already found myself confounded in my speculating, and I’ll continue to pray that I do when it is necessary. I certainly have a strange, but deep, sense of hope that God will fix the situation.

(Disclaimer: This is merely my artistic interpretation of Psalm 12… In no way do I suggest it as an actual alteration to the original)

The Observer

2007-05-09T00:05:00.000+12:00

Slowly passing by,
It sheds itself,
On its way to a date with destruction

Before me now,
I could expend myself,
And keep it from calamity

Yet I abandon it
To an unnecessary fate,
Self-absorbed in my senselessness

Irony the victor:
From impassioned concern,
Indifference carries me to my end.

Introspection

2007-05-06T21:37:00.000+12:00

What is this now,
That truth may only be assembled on fleeting moments of experience,
Coherence captured within the aimless wanderings of the mind,
A hurried attempt to flesh out the subject, before it shrinks into the horizon behind experiential reality’s paced progression?

What is this now,
That trust is no longer found in the traditional processes of truth formulation,
Confidence lost in conclusions previously reached,
The mind once moored in reason’s harbour is now broken and adrift, unable to hold the pieces together as the picture is filled?

No wonder now,
That thought is such a wearisome endeavour!

Beginning

2007-01-10T20:47:00.000+13:00

Why should I write? Who am I to try and figure anything out? Why should laziness not constrain me, or meaningless not undermine me? Who was I, that I should seek myself again?

I do not know where to begin. I have committed myself to truth, but I no longer see what that is, or how it is possible to do that. How may I begin to know anything, so that I may find true and sure meaning, that my existence may become truly purposeful? Where am I now, and what do I know now? I want more than memories of knowledge, I want to know that I am knowing, not just clinging to what I used to ‘know’. I want more than baseless beliefs, I want truth.

Rationality has failed me, I only have my beliefs and hopes, now without a base, adrift and meaningless. I sought an entire truth, but now everything has unravelled, even rationality itself.

What terrible irony is this, that my rationality has undermined itself, concluding that it and all of reality is absurd, via itself and reality’s existence? That I now only have an irrational hope for rationality and meaning? That I am certain only of uncertainty? That now the closest I can get to truth is a non-truth, a monolithic contradiction according to rationality which exists yet cannot?

Why should I write or think? How can I be? Silence is correct when all is meaningless, but then so is non-existence. No, silence is arbitrary when all is contradictory, and I can not avoid reality.

Where do I begin? How can I accept a solution beyond me? Who am I really, and what is my finiteness? How may a point recognise an infinity?

I am lost and broken, destroyed by myself. This place is not new to me, but I see it in a way which I didn’t before, seeing against sight’s legitimacy. And I see this time the yawning expanse of a contradictory existential existence lying before me again, as I didn’t several years ago when I blindly accepted it. I can see no way out because I can not truly see. I am blind only because I have eyes – a worm is less blind than me.

What is true rationality, for it surely exists, as existence is sure. What am I clinging to, to what false premise do I adhere? What is this sin, this now baseless belief? What is this pride that I stubbornly hold to? There is no such thing as true nihilism or true existentialism, they are held only by contradiction – undermined by this rationalism which bore them, this empty faith.

And so I am naked before reality, rationality no longer clothes me, and I refuse the illusion of ignorance. Reality presses against me, confounding me, and I cannot hide from it. What have I done? What is this falsehood that I have, dictating its own justification, this justification which is finally no more than a blindness? How can I escape this paradigm, how can it end?

Where do I begin?

Find me infinity, may I find myself found. May I know myself known.

...

2006-12-29T18:31:00.000+13:00

I tried to express myself in my silence,
The only honest thing I had left
But even that was a lie – a contradiction,
And no-one was listening

My conclusions crumble,
As reality confounds me
And all I can do is live a contradiction,
Which doesn’t exist

.

2006-11-07T18:26:00.000+13:00

Concession

2006-09-15T00:00:00.000+12:00

I feel, as I often have before, that the world is too large for me to handle, or I’m too small. And it is/I am, I’ve just somehow made it my objective to master it, to comprehend and understand the truth of it all.

My insights and opinions are suddenly dwarfed in the immensity and depth of humanity’s collective knowledge. How can I ever be anything amongst all of this? Why is my heart so stubbornly proud?

How foolish of me to be constantly seeking value through my achievements in the eyes of others. I am grateful that it is at least not hard to find myself confronted by my inadequacy, only hard to accept it - and in that too I am also inadequate. How foolishly proud of me to seek my worth in my comparative standing, meriting myself by the measure of ability… as if I had acquired my own giftings. My value is with God, not with the gifts He has given me.

And so how is it that I go about seeking Him? I assign the task to my pride, seeking to comprehend Him. Of course I fail miserably, not merely in my seeking, but in what I seek. And what I find instead is the sovereign selfishness in the centre of me.

The greatest obstacle between me and God is myself. For me to try and come closer to God is no different than my trying to gain elevation by pulling upwards on my own feet. I know that I need nothing less than His saving grace, yet how can a proud heart accept such a thing?

By His grace I know all that I need to know, yet in pride I’ll exclude all but that which I can comprehend in my mind – and I’ll know nothing of value. By His grace I have all that I need before me, yet in pride I’ll refuse everything outside of myself, fooling myself as to the origin of what I do possess. I need humility, but my pride inhibits this – it is a vicious circle, the largest of them all. I need then, not only His grace offered, but ministered grace to keep me and direct my wayward heart to a humbled state where I can accept it in wholeness of my being.

This is all taking a lot longer than I had anticipated. What is required of me is to let go of that which is not required, to yield that of which I am most unyielding. I need to let go of my hope of an autonomous understanding, yet if that is all I do then I shall only be in a state of pitiful despair, still grounded in my pride. What I need is to let go of my pride, to cease sinning, yet I have found such a thing impossible to achieve.

What I really need is to grow – to continually progress in my acknowledgement of God and my need, as well as in my seeking, both in fullness and in consistency. This too is a circle – to be able to continually acknowledge and seek God requires just that – but He needs to begin it, and in His grace He does and continues to bring me back to it, so it is a constructive and edifying circle when God steps in.

This is a hard journey, it requires my whole being – my mind and my heart, and my time and my effort. It requires a lot of getting back on my feet after stumbling. It requires the continual application of my will. It requires faith, hope and love. It requires these things, not all at once, or in totality, but in gradual progression. And above all and for all these things it requires God.

Definition

2006-09-09T11:51:00.000+12:00

Who am I, God?

I’m not what I’ve done,
what I’ve achieved
Nor am I the sum of my experiences

I’m not my thoughts,
my opinions held
Nor am I that in the eyes of others

I’m not my body and
I’m not my mind
I’m not even my will

Who am I, God?

I am more than these things
I am yours

Please, may I know this

Pre-packaged for your convenience

2006-09-04T16:40:00.000+12:00

Here are my results from an online test, “What’s your theological worldview?” (see Andrew’s original post):

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan.

You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavily by John Wesley and the Methodists.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 89%
Emergent/Postmodern 64%
Neo orthodox 61%
Reformed Evangelical 54%
Charismatic/Pentecostal 50%
Fundamentalist 46%
Roman Catholic 39%
Classical Liberal 36%
Modern Liberal 18%

(Some of the questions were a bit silly, like the ones which said, “A is more important than B”, when I agree with both A and B, but feel that A requires B /A is part of B /A leads to B, or vice versa.)

I’m not sure how good the test is, and I’m not that keen on being put in a box, but I suppose it can at least help you get an idea of where I’m coming from with my opinions.

New Blog

2006-08-29T15:37:00.000+12:00

Well, I've done it... I've gone and got myself a new blog!

This is partly because my old one had a silly name, and I'd like to post things of a more serious/contemplative nature (though not necessarily conclusive or final). I'll still keep my old blog, it'll just be open to my friends though, where I can discuss more informal things.

Hopefully I don't come across as being arrogant or judgmental in any way. I recognise that there are a lot of different opinions out there, it's just that ~~they're all wrong~~ I don't think they have the scope/reflect the nature of things as broadly or as accurately as the ideas which I subscribe to do, or could do at least. I'm looking for truth as much as any other, and I know it may be a long time before I get any degree of real certainty on many matters. But for now I've committed myself to the path that I'm on... it'll take a lot of listening, consideration and prayer, but hopefully I'll come to a state where my understanding of things will be genuinely helpful to others. So for now you'll just have to put up with me :)