Ye Olde Utterance

 What extraordinary privilege it is, that one should glean utterances ancient from pages new! Yet from pages Yours I retreat – recognizing privilege yet possessing it not, even authority recognized yet fearing greater my own, whilst from pages my own I glean no reason nor rhyme, nor counsel nor comfort. And whilst remedy such deficit with mine quill I seek no longer, I undertake still such forgeries, to find only a remedy of whose depth is of paper itself.

 To mine eyes may my fingers delegate their energies, and to mine knees their task, for mine quill is as dry as its parchment. To ancient grace Yours I entreat – add to recognition possession, and bring forth such fear of You that of all else I would have as naught. With Your ink fill me, so that Your blood may wash all the more through my veins; my heart be all the more cleansed; and my mind all the more unclouded.

The Obituarist

Ironic impasse
 ended by inference
Impelling ink
 expels indifference

Dirge draws up
 to dustbowl parchment
Deadbeat driver
 ushers disembarkment

Faltering feet
 and graven earth meet
Furrow-faced field
 increasingly bleak

Gritted gravity
 sheds tearing ballast
Ground-bound griever
 lamenting at last

[Description »]

 This piece is of a similar vein to 'Wretched Reflection', although the writing being portrayed is, from the beginning, already in the awareness of the futility and wretchedness of the writer. In a way it is a continuation of that piece, as well as of 'The Observer' (as evidenced in the first verse), but is finally a response greater than that of mere observation.

 There is no subtlety of structure in this piece, but it does heavily employ the use of metaphor, word-play, and double meaning.

 The central metaphor is obviously one of a funeral, where the pen is to paper as a spade is to soil. The obituary is the collective and continuing account of the writer’s introspections and realizations, which is effectively a death notice. Presented as such, there is no longer a place for complacency, indifference is driven out, and the funeral procession is in full progress. As the barren earth is dug, the reality of this writing sinks in, and finally the penitence borne of the gravity of the situation is one of bitter-sweet release.

Further Observations:

 As I look at the few poetic pieces which I’ve written here on the blog, let me make some observations:

 They are primarily a vehicle for my self-expression. Such things as beauty, art for art’s sake, cultural observation, etc. barely feature, and if they do they play a distant secondary role. The introspective nature of the pieces thus reflects my temperament, my current state, which is primarily one of melancholic self-centredness.

 They tellingly lack poetic finesse, having no nimble grace or richness of imagery. Instead they are plain and brutish, heavy and labored, downcast.

 My earlier ones have been short and blunt, tired, with little effort going in to their poetic form, instead being more of a heavy sigh of rhetorical dialogue. Recently I have put more effort into them – too much even – and they have become stifled in heavy form. Additionally, I have been trying to write depth and subtlety into them – something which can’t be seen at first glance, but which requires further consideration and investigation – and so the labored-ness is compounded.

 So my poetry is more than self-expression, but self-portrayal.

I am a child with a thick crayon,
 both sulking and seeking attention,
 finding penitence only in my impatience.

[« Hide description]

Winter Festival Kicks Off

"Alas, poor Yorick!
...A fellow of icicled juice, of most excellent frost...
...Where be your gelids now?"

 Winter was ushered in yesterday at The Backyard Outdoor Events Centre by a promising performance of Hamlet by The Royal Society Of Life-Size Theatrical Snowmen.

 Chaos ensued, however, when the performance was interrupted by a Cats musical performed by The Disproportionately Large Feline Actors Guild, due to a timetabling error.


 The resulting bloodbath ended what was a fragile truce between the two sworn enemies, who have been embroiled in a bitter feud for generations. It comes as a disappointing setback for the international peace process, which has been trying hard to foster a sense of goodwill between them both.

 Organisers admit that it has put a dampener on the planned festivities, but hope that the collaborative winter fun-run between Worsley's Home For Troubled Weiner Dogs and The National Postman's Collective will help bring the festival back on track.

Keeping the Faith

 Tonight at my church (Hornby Presbyterian) we had our "Friday Forum", something which we hold every month or so, usually involving a guest speaker and/or discussion on a particular topic.

 Tonight's topic was "How to get a degree without losing your faith", in which we had several questions regarding the topic, each one to be briefly addressed by selected graduates from the church, followed by a brief general discussion per question. (It went particularly well by the way, with a good turnout and engaging dialogue - thanks particularly to Ross McKerras for organising it).

 I was tasked with addressing the question, "Have you encountered ideas that made you realise that you genuinely did need to modify your faith? / Are there legitimate ways that you have modified your faith?", and below is the response I gave.

 I thought it would be fair to post it here, seeing as it involves some of you who may read my blog, and would perhaps give an opportunity for response and discussion on how fair my observations are. At the very least it may help to give an indication on where I stand.

[View response (& notes) »]

 Regarding “challenges to the faith”, I think it is perhaps helpful to first distinguish between two types of challenge.

 The first is the type of challenge that one might bring before oneself – one’s own questions regarding their faith, a personal critique of what they hold to. Of this type I have had many, but by-and-large they are of no great urgency and form no serious objection to my faith.¹

 The second type of challenge, which is perhaps more relevant to this discussion, is the external one – the type that another person or group may pose, be it directly or indirectly; explicitly or implicitly; personally or impersonally. Of this type I have only experienced a few, and they are usually more immediate, more demanding of a response, and more testing.

 One which I’ll briefly touch on is the challenge of evolution. Having done a major in Biology it has been quite a relevant topic, it is a foundational principle and was unanimously accepted as true for all of my biology papers. Its also a difficult one to navigate, it is a contentious issue, with arguments ranging from sound and reasonable to abysmally wishful posited by both sides, and no shortage of dogmatism either.

 Yet for all its controversies, I found that it wasn’t the sort of thing that presented any great challenge to my faith, and is really quite a peripheral issue in the context of Christianity’s core themes of sin and salvation. I think my main reason for grappling with it was more for the sake of being able to address those to whom it presented a stumbling block to coming to the Christian faith. Yet even then, because it is a peripheral issue, it may be better to direct such a person to the truly contentious issues of Christianity’s core, rather than over-investing in trying to bring them over this particular one.

 Having said that, it is an important issue, and one worth investigating. As a result of my grappling with it and a few other issues, I have gained an appreciation for a number of things: for the finiteness of my own mind and my own tendency to be easily persuaded one way or the other; for the importance of good reasoning, sound foundations, and both internal and external consistency; for recognizing and questioning motives behind arguments; for careful and honest openness in searching for truth; and for the importance of trusting amidst uncertainty.

 It was these sorts of lessons which held me in good stead for the big challenge which my faith faced during my university and post-university years – a challenge which came not from outside Christianity, but from within it.

 During this time, a couple of my Christian friends began to subscribe to some very different ideas concerning the core doctrines of Christianity. They were very concerned with finding a true and genuine Christianity, and even went so far as learning ancient Greek and studying early church writings to try to ascertain an unbiased understanding of what the early church believed. As a result of their inquiries, they came to completely reject the Reformation doctrines which all protestant churches base their theology upon, instead promoting Jesus as a moral teacher and example for moral transformation, to the end of achieving a positive final judgment, based upon works rather than faith.

 What this did was thrust many of my personal (yet non-urgent) questions regarding God, his plan, and who Jesus was and what he achieved into the immediacy of requiring an adequate response to this particular challenge. Not only to address my two friends, but the wider group of Christian friends who were also being exposed to these new ideas. To be honest, I have yet to provide an adequate response to these particular questions, if not to any other, then to myself at least. Yet as time has passed on this issue, I have gained a much better sense of perspective over it, as well as over the faith which I held, and it is this perspective which has (to my finite standards) satisfactorily vindicated the faith to which I still hold.

 The process has been a gradual and uncertain one. From the start I approached it with caution, and was apprehensive of what I perceived as a “reaction-ism” against imperfections in the church, as well as of the seeming audacity to brush aside centuries of critiqued and established doctrine for these foreign ideas. Although I have not been able to fully allay these suspicions, I have come to appreciate a reasonableness and genuineness within their inquiries.

 However, I came to seriously question the inquiry when I came to consider the foundations upon which they based their reasoning and motivation. It was through my own personal struggles with searching for certainty and a final basis for knowledge, and the conclusions I reached with this, that I came to identify the same pride and folly operating underneath their inquiry as I had operated with for a time myself (and am still prone to do). Theirs was an essentially Humanistic endeavor, and in seeking to correct inconsistencies, they had only introduced far deeper ones. It is perhaps not surprising then, that their conclusions appeal finally to human endeavor to achieve salvation.²

 Of additional note, it is worth pointing out not only the internal inconsistency, but an external one also – in increasing measure there has been a quickness to mock and dismiss, a tendency for sexual lewdness in humor, a contempt and distrust of authority, and a lack of the abounding love one might hope would characterize a group of Christians – they are still good people and remain my friends, but those things I find difficult to reconcile.³

 From this reasoning which found objections with these new ideas (or more specifically, their basis) and which led me to reject them, also came support for the Reformation understanding and way of Christianity, and has led me to solidify my faith in it.

 However, it would be premature to end on that note, for there is one final distinction which I wish to make. That is, of distinguishing between “being convinced of”, and “being convicted of”. Though I greatly value the role of the mind, of having a satisfactory understanding, of “being convinced” – it is ultimately not enough to satisfy a desire for truth, because the degree by which we can be convinced will only ever be a finite one – ultimately, we will always need to trust upon something.

 Of far greater value is “being convicted of” – a deep and irrefutable sense of what is true, something which we do not hold for ourselves, but is somehow held for us – it is not something which we can acquire, but something which must be given us. And it brings satisfaction in what we finally trust upon in a way in which “being convinced of” cannot. So it is ultimately conviction upon which we may apply our reasoning and build our knowledge, not the other way around.

 Above all else, it is conviction which God in his grace has given me that has kept my faith – God’s faithfulness to me above my faithfulness to God.


Notes:

¹ I might add, just to clarify, that although I spoke of my own personal questions as posing no great urgency or obstacle to my faith, I have indeed had personal questions which have posed great urgency and been quite serious, but these have been of my mind, my perception of reality, and of my awareness of existence, rather than directly of my faith. Having said that, it was the conviction of my faith which helped me through those times, and by grace I even arrived at an understanding concerning those issues, which in turn came to vindicate and convince me of the validity of my faith.

² I might also point out that although I spoke of internal inconsistencies, I did not expound on that charge. Aside from having a limited time which I was already pushing the leniency of, I did not think it pertinent to take too much of a tangent here. It is something which deserves further explanation though.

³ [Added 9/Jun/08] I have re-written this paragraph in the comments section (comment#4), specifically to address my friends to whom it refers, seeing as it, in its briefness and bluntness, fails to adequately describe my observations and intentions, nor portray the esteem I have for them.

[« Hide response (& notes)]

Wretched Reflection

  Clumsy thumbs
   are clasping pencil,

  Slurring ink
   on scrappy paper,

  Paltry letters
   form puerile palaver…

  Wretched reflection;
   Pierces Soul Cleanly!

[Description »]

[Please note: The piece, though short, is quite densely imbued with meaning and structure. As such, the description is quite long-winded, and if you have enough time to read it, then may I suggest that you first spend a bit of time contemplating the piece to see what aspects you can glean for yourself :) ]

 This piece is about how my speech, thoughts and writings, in their attempting to resolve or master some issue, are in hindsight overshadowed by their revealing the wretched nature of my person – its pride, callousness, juvenility and foolishness – and that this unintended aspect of such discourse speaks with far more strength and succinctness than the words themselves do.

 I spent a bit of time thinking about and playing around with the overall structure of the piece – something I tend not to bother too much about – and was surprised by the amount of geometry I was able to build into it.

 The whole piece pivots on the seventh line, “Wretched reflection”, in both its meaning and its structure. The word “reflection” primarily refers to how the writing thus far reflects the wretched state of the writer. It secondarily refers to the contemplation of the writer, and how the contemplation has resulted in the revelation of wretchedness. Finally, the word refers to its line acting as a literal point of symmetry in the structure of the piece.

 The first six lines (first three sentences) are the first “half” of the piece. They bumble along tediously and repetitively, and reach no satisfactory conclusion in themselves. The second “half” is the eighth and last line. It achieves what the first half could not; it is concise, clear, and is the conclusion. This contradictory nature between the two is represented in the reversed reflection between the first sentence and the last word; the second sentence and the second-to-last word; and the third sentence and third-to-last word. That is, the clumsy ungainliness verses the clean simplicity; the shallow and immediate nature versus the deep and profound nature; and the tedious ineptness verses the sharp effectiveness.

 This symmetry between the two halves is structurally represented by the C-S-P/P-S-C reflection (C-S-P is the first letter of each of the first three sentences; P-S-C is the first letter of each word of the last line). In the first half, repetition is represented within each sentence by alliteration with “c”, “s” or “p”, and in all three sentences by alliteration with “p” in the last word of each.

 The overall repetition/reflection structure is subtly foreshadowed in each of the first three sentences:
   Clumsy thumbs / clasping pencil
   Slurring ink / scrappy paper
   Paltry letters / puerile palaver

 In achieving this, it might be asked why a pencil is producing ink. Though initially unintended, it turns out to be an apt metaphor for the contradictions I struggle with in much of my thinking; and (in the structure of the piece) is an apt foreshadowing of the nature of the first half in contradiction to the nature of the second.

 It might also be noted the irony that this description is itself a tedious discourse, and that the piece is itself, for all its intricacies, little more than a simple blurb trying to “box above its own weight”.

 And so finally, the piece acts as a commentary on all of my thoughts and endeavors, and more generally, on the thoughts and endeavors of all humanity. In the ultimate sense, they are both puerile and futile, and the best that we can hope to (ultimately) achieve ourselves is to understand this, and furthermore, to then either in pride become truly nothing, or in humility become truly something through that which is beyond ourselves – a challenge to myself as much as it is a challenge to anyone else.

[« Hide description]

The Station

Running on empty
Through this dry backwater
And the station I’m at
Is fresh out of fuel

I can’t say I mind
It’s refreshingly honest
I’m one with the land
I’m fittingly small

Yet mindful of distance
Of home on horizon
Now am I approaching
Or going away?

In need of repairs
From grinding my gears
And this station I’m at
Is one of decay

Encouragement for Enquiry

“The Incredulity of St. Thomas” by Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio, 1602


Caravaggio was a 16th/17th century Italian early Baroque painter. (You may have seen a documentary on TV a couple of nights ago about him.)

The above painting of his depicts the doubting disciple Thomas, examining Christ’s crucifixion wound, during Christ’s second post-resurrection appearance (see John 20:24-29). It was a remarkable and shocking piece at the time, and remains so, for a number of reasons.

(There is an excellent article here concerning it.)

I find great appeal in it, in no small part due to where I am at the moment. It is a wonderful picture of God coming to meet the one struggling with doubt, satisfying them to the depth of their enquiry, and to the benefit of others also.

The feature which strikes me most, is that not only has Christ appeared here to appease Thomas’s doubts, but he is actively involved in revealing the truth of himself to Thomas. This is represented by the drawing back of his robe with one hand, whilst taking Thomas’s arm with the other and guiding the grubby finger into the wound.

I am in a somewhat bedraggled state myself, not only in having realised the futility of (what I have come to realise as) my autonomous search for truth, but more generally (in my desire to have integrity) realising that my whole being – my actions and desires as well as thoughts – requires a dependence on an external and ultimate reference point/ under an external and ultimate authority. I am further bedraggled in my struggle both for and against such a thing, therein accentuating the necessity.

In realising the impossibility of the contrary (that is, that I may autonomously reach truth, and more generally, a true/correct state of being), it may be that I have glimpsed something of true truth (as opposed to merely believing). And though it may further seem contrary to what I have found, I have since come to increase in appreciation for the significance and tremendous value that is placed in the individual’s ability to choose and work toward a goal.

I find that I am perhaps like Thomas here, having now perceived what appears to be Christ, I am not only to seek to examine further, but to also seek his strength and guidance in such a task, as well as his specific self-disclosure to meet the goal of the enquiry, such that I may truly come to realise “the way, the truth, and the life”, and may similarly exclaim, “My Lord and my God!”