Concession
I feel, as I often have before, that the world is too large for me to handle, or I’m too small. And it is/I am, I’ve just somehow made it my objective to master it, to comprehend and understand the truth of it all.
My insights and opinions are suddenly dwarfed in the immensity and depth of humanity’s collective knowledge. How can I ever be anything amongst all of this? Why is my heart so stubbornly proud?
How foolish of me to be constantly seeking value through my achievements in the eyes of others. I am grateful that it is at least not hard to find myself confronted by my inadequacy, only hard to accept it - and in that too I am also inadequate. How foolishly proud of me to seek my worth in my comparative standing, meriting myself by the measure of ability… as if I had acquired my own giftings. My value is with God, not with the gifts He has given me.
And so how is it that I go about seeking Him? I assign the task to my pride, seeking to comprehend Him. Of course I fail miserably, not merely in my seeking, but in what I seek. And what I find instead is the sovereign selfishness in the centre of me.
The greatest obstacle between me and God is myself. For me to try and come closer to God is no different than my trying to gain elevation by pulling upwards on my own feet. I know that I need nothing less than His saving grace, yet how can a proud heart accept such a thing?
By His grace I know all that I need to know, yet in pride I’ll exclude all but that which I can comprehend in my mind – and I’ll know nothing of value. By His grace I have all that I need before me, yet in pride I’ll refuse everything outside of myself, fooling myself as to the origin of what I do possess. I need humility, but my pride inhibits this – it is a vicious circle, the largest of them all. I need then, not only His grace offered, but ministered grace to keep me and direct my wayward heart to a humbled state where I can accept it in wholeness of my being.
This is all taking a lot longer than I had anticipated. What is required of me is to let go of that which is not required, to yield that of which I am most unyielding. I need to let go of my hope of an autonomous understanding, yet if that is all I do then I shall only be in a state of pitiful despair, still grounded in my pride. What I need is to let go of my pride, to cease sinning, yet I have found such a thing impossible to achieve.
What I really need is to grow – to continually progress in my acknowledgement of God and my need, as well as in my seeking, both in fullness and in consistency. This too is a circle – to be able to continually acknowledge and seek God requires just that – but He needs to begin it, and in His grace He does and continues to bring me back to it, so it is a constructive and edifying circle when God steps in.
This is a hard journey, it requires my whole being – my mind and my heart, and my time and my effort. It requires a lot of getting back on my feet after stumbling. It requires the continual application of my will. It requires faith, hope and love. It requires these things, not all at once, or in totality, but in gradual progression. And above all and for all these things it requires God.
My insights and opinions are suddenly dwarfed in the immensity and depth of humanity’s collective knowledge. How can I ever be anything amongst all of this? Why is my heart so stubbornly proud?
How foolish of me to be constantly seeking value through my achievements in the eyes of others. I am grateful that it is at least not hard to find myself confronted by my inadequacy, only hard to accept it - and in that too I am also inadequate. How foolishly proud of me to seek my worth in my comparative standing, meriting myself by the measure of ability… as if I had acquired my own giftings. My value is with God, not with the gifts He has given me.
And so how is it that I go about seeking Him? I assign the task to my pride, seeking to comprehend Him. Of course I fail miserably, not merely in my seeking, but in what I seek. And what I find instead is the sovereign selfishness in the centre of me.
The greatest obstacle between me and God is myself. For me to try and come closer to God is no different than my trying to gain elevation by pulling upwards on my own feet. I know that I need nothing less than His saving grace, yet how can a proud heart accept such a thing?
By His grace I know all that I need to know, yet in pride I’ll exclude all but that which I can comprehend in my mind – and I’ll know nothing of value. By His grace I have all that I need before me, yet in pride I’ll refuse everything outside of myself, fooling myself as to the origin of what I do possess. I need humility, but my pride inhibits this – it is a vicious circle, the largest of them all. I need then, not only His grace offered, but ministered grace to keep me and direct my wayward heart to a humbled state where I can accept it in wholeness of my being.
This is all taking a lot longer than I had anticipated. What is required of me is to let go of that which is not required, to yield that of which I am most unyielding. I need to let go of my hope of an autonomous understanding, yet if that is all I do then I shall only be in a state of pitiful despair, still grounded in my pride. What I need is to let go of my pride, to cease sinning, yet I have found such a thing impossible to achieve.
What I really need is to grow – to continually progress in my acknowledgement of God and my need, as well as in my seeking, both in fullness and in consistency. This too is a circle – to be able to continually acknowledge and seek God requires just that – but He needs to begin it, and in His grace He does and continues to bring me back to it, so it is a constructive and edifying circle when God steps in.
This is a hard journey, it requires my whole being – my mind and my heart, and my time and my effort. It requires a lot of getting back on my feet after stumbling. It requires the continual application of my will. It requires faith, hope and love. It requires these things, not all at once, or in totality, but in gradual progression. And above all and for all these things it requires God.
posted by Matthew P | 12:00 AM
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